Disappearing Act

Ask   About Me   

This site is my own personal writings with a little of things I find off the internet that are relevant to me. I am the girl with the deep dark secrets, which will only come into the open through the words I write within these pages. Welcome to my disappearing act.

**Just so we're clear, photos found on my site are not mine. Most are found at weheartit.com :)**

It’s Been A While

 I’m still eating too much, although I’m realizing it’s not as much as I thought; it’s 1200 at the most, and I exercise almost every single day. I haven’t gained a pound at all, but I also haven’t lost. I’ve decided to try and follow the eating plan/workouts in this months Self magazine. I’ve done workout for day 1, and the only real thing about the meal plan is to try and eat sweet potato, eggs, apples, yoghurt, salmon, quinoa, olive oil as much in your diet as possible -so to try and incorporate at least one thing in each meal. They do say to have 1600 calories a day, but I don’t know if I can do that. One step at a time I suppose.

 I went out for St.Patrick’s day with some girls from work and their friends. I thought I had drank a lot but I wasn’t really drunk at all. I got tipsy when we were at this girls house pre-drinking but then walking to the club it wore off and the drinks there did nothing. Which I guess was a good thing because I worked in the morning and I wouldn’t have wanted to be sick. It was fun, however I found myself people watching more often then not. Rating who was skinniest, fattest, prettiest. I don’t know if the people I went with will want me coming again. I’m not exactly sociable. (One major problem of being shy :( )

 I’ve done my first workout today; of course I work tonight so I’ll be walking home and I may try to add in another workout later, although I want to clean my room a little after my shower and what not. I’m just so unsatisfied with myself. I need to loose 10 pounds. urgh

— 2 years ago
#personal  #ed  #disorder  #ednos 

This constant bingeing has to stop.

This constant eating has to stop, period.

I’m already at 600 calories and it’s 2pm.

I have to eat dinner before work, but then I have to be done.

I’ve gained 2 pounds since Thursday?

I’m not impressed

— 2 years ago with 2 notes
#fat  #binge  #disorder  #ed  #ednos  #hate  #personal  #stopeating 

I hate weekends.

  On weekends, mother makes dinner, and watches to make sure 2-3 meals are eaten daily. Then there’s the constant snacking and the constant comments of “You need to eat this.” “I don’t want to be throwing this out.” “You need to finish these granola boxes soon.” On and on it goes. She compares me to my brother and his ability to consume over 1000 calories everytime he eats, which is at least 6 times a day. Or so it seems anyways. I struggle to eat the meals, and I do it only because I know she’ll freak more so if I don’t.

  Luckily I get to do the elliptical tonight. I’m going to have to go for an hour seeing as by the time dinner is done I’ll be over 1000 by 100 or so. And that was with “Oh yes, I’ll eat those popping easter egg chocolates.” But not the ice cream. For some reason she thinks we could have both. No. That’s a little unnecessary I think. And the weather is so nice outside. I wish I hadn’t worked today so I could have gone on a long walk. It would have been nicer then being stuck in a building. Eh.

  Dinner is going to be soon. Just wanted to write a little update. Weekends are always busy. Thank goodness I get to go back to my ways tomorrow through Friday.

— 2 years ago with 1 note
#personal  #ed  #ednos  #disorder 

oh dear, being a girl sucks sometimes, if you know what i mean. because of that today’s intake has been increased to 800 if need be, and morning workout was not completed due to me lying in bed waiting for the tylenol to kick in.

  • 1 fruit juice box -100
  • 1 pudding -100
  • 2 jelly beans -8

it’s more then i would have liked to consume by this time. but i work tonight and have to walk home and i cannot do it if the cramps and stomach aches get so bad. liquids shouldn’t even really count. but they do. i had to drink it to down the tylenol which means in another 6 hours i’ll be doing it again. the pudding was to have something in my tummy. and the jelly beans? are a death trap waiting to happen.

last night i was so tired i didn’t have time to write in my handwritten journal. i need to remember to do that as i wrote on my phone what i had wanted to write, i just couldn’t physically make myself sit down and write. i past out in bed pretty much as soon as i hit the pillow. and now i wish i had stayed up and completed some sort of exercise. how was i to know today’s exercises would be cut short.

— 2 years ago with 1 note
#personal  #intake  #ednos  #disorder 

 The stale popcorn I just ate is attacking me. I can feel it piercing my stomach lining, my throat, my everything. Just after finishing eating my chest/rib area began to hurt in such an absurd way that I wanted to cry out. I don’t think it had anything to do with it being stale. Perhaps it wasn’t even the popcorn. Whatever the case I can feel the popcorn bubbling and expanding within me. It is not going to be a good night. I don’t even know why I ate the popcorn. It wasn’t a desperate need.

— 2 years ago
"An addiction is an addiction and you’re going to have to deal with it the rest of your life."
Demi Lovato (via se4hoars)

(via se4hoars-deactivated20120527)

— 2 years ago with 34 notes

  4 chicken nuggets -150
  1/2 gluten-free bun -100
  1 pudding cup -100

Yes, the exact same thing as lunch, save for I added 70 calories by taking away the honey and having a pudding instead. I stepped on the scale afterwards just to make sure there was not too much damage -the scale has not moved at all today. Good. I have twenty minutes until I need to get ready for work, although I should be starting before that. We’ll see what happens. I’m feeling so lazy.I really don’t want to work but if I stayed home I’d only sit around. I’d rather burn calories while making money then sitting at home growing fatter and fatter.

And good news? The snow is melting!!! Which means soon I’ll be able to walk more often, to work and home. Funny how I would be excited about something so simple like that, but I need the extra exercise.

— 2 years ago
#intake  #calories  #disorder  #disordered eating  #personal 
  • 4 unbreaded chicken nuggets -150
  • 1/2 gluten-free bun -100
  • minuscule amount of honey -30

 Knowing that I will still have to force dinner down me was too much, I downed water, and tried to throw up. I probably got rid of the same amount of honey. But that’s not really the point. I struggled to eat that in the first place. A meal that is 280cals, when most people eat 400-600 in one meal without even questioning it. I saw the chicken on the plate, cooked, and my one thought was -“I should have only had two”. I struggled to put each piece in my mouth, only succeeding by putting tv on and watching it as I sat and chewed, and repeated over and over again in my head “I really don’t want this.” Though I didn’t notice I was saying any such thing until I’d finished.

 I wish I could just stop with the intake now. I wish I could just say that was dinner and go on with my day. But I know I can’t. I’ll have to eat something, which is going to have to amount to 100-200 calories at least. Which means my calories for the day will be 500-600 in the end. I don’t know why it matters so much. Mother saw me eat this, and so I just have to lay low for the next couple hours. She’s back at 1:10 but she’ll leave again. And I will have to do another workout of some sort. I can’t just sit around with this food inside of me. Even though I know my walk home alone should burn most of the calories I consume today, it just isn’t enough. It never is though. I sometimes wish it were…..

— 2 years ago with 1 note
#personal  #intake  #ed  #ednos  #disorder  #disordered eating 

35 minutes on the elliptical this morning

  I’ve been up since 8am, though I didn’t start my exercising until 9ish, and then had to cut it short as I had hoped to watch Dr Oz on t.v.; however the guide lied, and it was actually today’s episode and so I had to watch it online anyhow. I’m sure many of you heard that the episode from March 6th was about “pro-ana” and anorexia in general. I don’t really know what to think of it. I don’t think I have very much opinion of the show in either direction. It was what it was. However, there were two things that popped up. 1) Dr.Oz continuously referred to “pro-ana” as a new thing online. And I keep thinking that he is wrong, unless he provides a definition of what new is. I say this because I have had many blogs over the years, and there has been constant mention of pro-ana sites. This dates back at least 8-10 years, and that doesn’t sound very new. So that somewhat annoyed me, because if he wants to be taken seriously, he should get his facts straight. 2) This is in reference to one of the girls who did not have “visible” eating disorders. The one who self-harmed. I just looked at her, saw the scars on her upper arm, and thought “Now what am I going to do if people I know see this. Their going to see your scars, look at mine and see their exactly the same. Old, but the way they stick out, is going to bring attention. Urgh” Yes, that was simply the only real thing I gathered from that -that if people I know see it, they are going to conclude that… However, most people I know, including my own mother know that I self-injured and so there really isn’t anything to be worried about. It just bothered me that our scars were so alike.

 It’s now 11:20am and I still haven’t eaten. My tummy has only recently decided it’s hungry and I have decided that I need to have my bath before I decide to put anything in my mouth. Luckily I work tonight so I should be able to burn everything off through a walk. But tonight is One Tree Hill night :) Which means staying up later. And hopefully doing stretches during commercials. I don’t know. I don’t feel like I’m loosing weight but at the same time I’m scared to put anything in my mouth. These days it just seems too much. I hate when it’s like that. When I know I need something because I continue to exercise “too much”. If I didn’t exercise as much I wouldn’t have to eat as much. But that’s a lesson I’ll never learn.

— 2 years ago with 1 note
#ednos  #ed  #disorder  #disordered  #disordered eating  #personal 
I hate the cold weather

The cold is seeping into my bones, underneath my skin. I cannot warm up, even though I pace back and forth, and wear as many long sleeves as possible. Right now I’m wearing a zip-up hoodie, that years ago could have been almost tight on me. Now it’s as baggy as the boy hoodies I buy. I’ve noticed I don’t own anything that fits, even my work uniform is too big. But this hoodie is not warm. The cold is getting in through the sleeves and I am sitting here shivering. I’ve come to have an obsession with my wrists/hands today. They look smaller. Bonier. Better. They’ve come to be the only part of me that is somewhat acceptable in my eyes, and that should be seen as a problem right there.

I just stepped in front of the mirror. I hate my mothers washroom. The mirror is twice as big as in our washroom [mine and my bros] and so of course I notice more when in hers. I realize my hoodie makes me look extra fat. But if I wear clothes that are too tight I freak out anyways. I cannot win. At least these sweaters hide my body. No body can know just what size I am. Not until I’m at the “right” size. I’m afraid mother will have to be kept out of the loop for a while soon. I’ve become more restrictive which means the weight should fall off which means I’ll need to hide it for a while. It’s just the way it is. Always hiding my body. Always drinking diet coke/pepsi. Always avoiding social situations. Always eating plain foods. Always making excuses. Always walking. Always. Always. Always.

 What a life. And people actually think they want disordered eating lifestyles [I refuse to say that I’m eating disordered, I go as far as ednos somedays, but I’m not diagnosed by a doctor, every website page however tells me I am, but I have never brought it up to a doctor. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and major depression and anxiety, and we will leave it at that for now] I know I have issues with food. I never asked for this. I never wanted to spend my days freezing because my body lacks the amount of calories it needs to stay warm. I can’t understand it why day after day I see posts saying “I decided I’d try anorexia” “I learned about anorexia at school today. I think I’m going to try it.” No. Anorexia. Bulimia. Ednos. Binge eating. Etc, etc. Are not diets. They are not choices. They are mind disorders, who’s symptoms range from one spectrum to another. Please don’t tell me you want this. You don’t.

  I’m always here if anyone needs to talk. I just wanted to make that visible. I do mostly use this site for my daily writing, and for me that works. Pictures of models etc come every so often, but this site is mainly a journal type site. Always know you can ask me questions and I will answer [unless you ask for my weight, which I don’t feel comfortable sharing with anyone, or if you are looking for “tips” Because frankly there are none]

Good night to you all

— 2 years ago
#ed  #ednos  #disorder  #disordered eating  #personal